nakedcastle.com - Naked Castle Films

I think we may have accidentally filmed a new movie. It might be called Chubblon Pupu: Thrupu. We may even start editing it over the next few days.

To whomever the individual is that found our site by searching for the phrase "what can you use to masturbait" on Google, I'd like to help by offering some simple advice. I find that masturbation can be very effective when using:

1. Your right hand
2. Your left hand (popular among people who are left-handed)
3. Your feet (this one takes a little more practice)

I hope this helps you on your quest towards sexual satisfaction! Godspeed my masturbating friend! Godspeed.

Please use the comments on this update to discuss or give us any feedback on the 12 newly released films. If you'd like to know more about the production of the films, read on!

Both "art" films (My Universe Called Desire and The Autistic Film) were created from footage intended for the creation of just one film. We had about two hours worth of raw footage that was all filmed on the spot while walking around finding "arty" things to use for each scene. None of it was really planned or directed; in many ways, you could consider this a Naked Castle video blog. For reasons none of us can remember, we never got around to editing the footage and sat on it until just recently when Peter edited half of The Autistic Film and I finished it up after he left. Then, when that was done, I had so much good footage left over that I went ahead and put together My Universe Called Desire. I think, of all 12 films, these two are the best and most enjoyable.

An Unexpected Guest was the catalyst to the "downfall" of Naked Castle's productivity. At the time it was filmed, Zorn had written a script called "Abgnomal Circumstances" wherein a group of guys in a car driving down a long, desert road would see a barbarian gnome step out in front of their car. After hitting the gnome, they'd stop, get out and argue over what to do with the dead body. In the end, they'd decide to toss the body in their trunk to hide the evidence. When they open the trunk, it would already be full of other dead bodies, to which one of them would ask "hey, what are we gunna do with all these other bodies?" The reply would be "we'll burn that bridge when we come to it".

After that script was on the table for being produced, Mike had the idea of a barbarian warrior going to attack something in modern times, with the film ending when he gets randomly hit by a car. We filmed Mike's idea, but Zorn wasn't around for the filming, and after finding out about it, he shit a brick claiming we stole his script. Reason being that both scripts shared a car crash and a barbarian and we filmed ours without him.

So, after a long argument that brought everyone to the edge of not wanting to work with eachother anymore, it was agreed that An Unexpected Guest (originally titled "The Attack") would not be released until Zorn and Peter produced Abgnomal Circumstances. In retrospect, it would seem Zorn's plan was never to actually produce his script so that we could never release our film. Well, he's not part of Naked Castle anymore, so that no longer applies. Enjoy!

A Christmas Miracle was made for filmfights.com. We wanted to work with Justin Johnson, so when he came to visit, Peter, Llama, Zorn, myself, and Justin all sat down to come up with a funny christmas-themed script. Everyone was pretty happy with the script and we all had a good time filming it. There was even a substantial amount of pre-production involved such as making three identical gingerbread houses so we could have three angles of it getting smashed and the purchasing of a christmas tree. In the end, we left the editing up to Justin but we weren't happy with the voice he did for the tree (mostly because it's hard to understand and the audio clips a lot). The film runs a little long, but really, it's not that bad, and in Justin's defense, he was under a lot of pressure to get the film done in time for the film fight.

Discussion Thing was our follow-up co-creation with Justin Johnson. Zorn came up with the idea for a parody TV network based on FOX, called BOX. We were going to make a series of films based on this theme, including Rock-Paper-Sillies (a BOX sitcom) and Discussion Thing (a BOX News Channel talk show -- making fun of Bill O'Reily). However, we made the film using only one camera, having to shoot each split-screen scene seperately. We didn't take into account the fact that these scenes wouldn't match up when played next to eachother and we also didn't manage to film for the entire duration of the other character's dialogue, resulting in missing footage. We didn't realize this until Justin had already spent time making the After Effects split screen and his roomate had recorded the narrator's dialogue. In the end, this film could have been a funny release, had we not neglected doing any pre-production. Since Justin had already returned home, we never managed to reshoot the split screen parts and therefor, never finished the film.

Rock-Paper-Sillies was made almost a year later, despite the fact that the first BOX related film had failed. However, the script didn't make any sense to begin with. It's supposed to be a promo commercial hyping a new sitcom during sweeps week, but it also contains elements of being an actual episode. No promo I know of would contain a scene as long as the one between Zorn and the rock, or transition scenes etc. By the way, that scene was improvised by Zorn based on his original script, in which his character pours his heart out to the rock, and she simply replies "I'm thirsty". I made Zorn do so many takes of it that he got pissed off and did a different version as a joke and it ended up being funnier. Regardless, this film was destined to suck from the very beginning. At this time, Peter and Zorn had a falling out over a girl and Peter refused to work on any new films if Zorn was involved. Peter ultimately quit Naked Castle and Mike followed him. Llama, Zorn, and I wanted to find replacement members for both of them, so Zorn brought in his friend, Marlo, who played the part of Zap, the alien in this film. Marlo proved to be hard to direct and not very good at acting, adding further to how much this film sucks. I feel this is probably one of the worst of the 12 and had Peter been involved, would have been much better, despite the terrible script.

The Perfect Date was just a pile of stupid I put together in a couple of days for my film class. I didn't really want to make it, nor did I put much effort into it. It was entirely based off of Mike's idea of "what if two guys got set up on a blind date by a girl that thought they were both gay, and in the end one of them offers a condom to the other?" The joke itself is funny, but the 2 minutes of the film leading up to the joke are boring and not worth it. Also, the girl, Katie, was losing her voice during filming, so she sounds pretty fucked up. I think I did a shitty job directing Llama and Katie and as a result, the dialogue sounds forced and unrealistic (I didn't have a real script, either). Shank basically played himself, so his character worked out pretty good. Also, I had someone make a musical score for this film, with the intention of actually releasing the film once it was done. When it got to that point however, I realized how bad the film was and decided not to put it up afterall. I still regret wasting the time of the guy that was kind enough to make the score for me (which isn't included in this final edit since I lost it).

The Butler Of Tomorrow came about when Mike wrote a simple script of dialogue between two characters. It didn't involve a butler at all and ended simply with Llama's character saying "I hate you" and walking away. The joke of the script was supposed to be the line "well, I guess this means she isn't mad at me..." which would have been pretty unfunny. Luckily, upon getting to Mike's house to film it, Peter had come up with the butler character and inserted himself into the film as being the only part that is actually funny. But, regardless, we had zero planning on how we'd incorporate his character into each shot, and it shows. All the scenes with Llama and Mike lack Peter's character, even though he should be visible in most of them. I directed the film, and it's probably my worst directing ever. I really had no idea what I was doing. The outtakes, involving much more of the butler than was used in the final cut, are probably funnier than the real thing, but we accidentally recorded over that footage without capturing it.

Bump In The Night - I'll let Peter write something for this one since I didn't do much more than help edit it. I would like to say, however, that I think it feels like a shitty made-for-tv British movie due to all the stupid cross-fades and bad dialogue.

Huevos Siempre, which means "Eggs Always" in Spanish was filmed by Llama and directed by Zorn. The guy in the film was from Zorn's Spanish class and I think the camera was his, too. Llama didn't know he had the date turned on while he was filming. The script is Bump In The Night in it's original form. And yes, I know the credits say some other guy filmed it, but that was just to cover his ass for class credit.

This post has absolutely no purpose whatsoever. Anyone think we'll ever complete a new film?

In case you didn't notice the link on the front page, check out my photo essay on Sean Rizzotti's life. Please use this update to post any comments you may have about the photo essay.

Anyway, the big question on everyone's mind about Naked Castle: "Why haven't you douchebags made a new film in over a year?" And the answer is simply because we're lazy and worthless. However, in the past year we have tried to make multiple films that have all failed miserably and/or not been worth releasing. So it's not like we're aren't at least trying.

For example, here's a film we never released (10mb mpg) that was made for Sean, Mike, and Peter's last film class. It's called ABOBA, or, A Banquet Of Beautiful Angles (which it is anything but). The title, like the previous student film, was used to make fun of an annoying student in the class. It's pretty bad, though (and you have to have seen the other unreleased student film to at least sort of get it).

Anyway, for our most recent attempt at a new film, we spent a whole day out in Hercules at Mike's house making a film based on a really basic script/concept of his. The result, however, was a slightly funny video with a terribly unfunny ending. So we trashed that one (I might go ahead and compress it to mpg and release it here on the blog -- but that's not a promise).

Also I made a film for my own film class based on another one of Mike's concepts and it, too, ended up being pretty boring and not worth releasing (which is what Shanks' post below this one was in reference to).

Oh, and here's a short little clip of what I think is possibly the funniest thing Peter has ever done on film. It was filmed during the production of Chubbulon Pupu: Tupu.

This summer we do intend to make a new film that is worth releasing. Since we last filmed Suichine, we now have a miniDV camera (Canon Optura 40), a shotgun/boom mic and a ghetto-rigged boom-pole, a 5-hour battery, florescent lights, and a total lack of creativity. If the last newly-aquired element is removed from the picture, you can look forward to the next great Naked Castle film.

Update: Re-uploaded a working copy of ABOBA. Sorry to anyone that wasted their time downloading the other one.

HEY heaya HEy! new movie just made today im hoping itll be up soon i think its gona be good plus its about fucking time we had a new film might i add i dont like our films but this one .....i like ...unless travis edited shitty so well if it sucks blame travis

Some of you may have tuned in today for the new internet talk radio show brought to you by Mike and myself. If you missed it you can check out the 36mb mp3 of the broadcast. This one ran about 52 minutes; our goal is generally around an hour long.

The show will be airing every Tuesday at 7pm PST and will feature in-studio guests. Today we had Peter's girlfriend, Kat; ~~next week we will have Sean Joakimson and hopefully Sean Rizzotti~~. We're setting up a website for Radio Sandwich at http://www.radiosandwich.com which will have the webcam, links and descriptions of past shows, info on upcoming broadcasts, forums (maybe), and whatever else we can think of.

So tune in next week, the 22nd, at 7pm PST. We'll take your AIM comments and possibly live calls. If you would like to suggest good background music to play during the show or a song(s) to use for a short break around the middle of the broadcast, please leave a comment.

Update (2.20.05): Sean Hargan will be our official co-host for the next three months until Melissa Levas is done coaching a junior basketball team. Co-hosting duties include running AIM and making side-line comments. Having a permanent co-host will free Mike and I up to sit back and not have to worry about anything except talking.

Also, we are going to hold off on having any guests on the show until we have more than two microphones. This means Sean Rizzotti and Sean Joakimson will not be joining us on the 22nd. Hopefully we will have the new equipment by our third show on March 1st.

And finally, Melissa has given us a lot of topics and news stories to discuss on the show instead of relying on listener feedback.

If you haven't seen my first video blog, entitled Five Eighty, (or even if you have) please check it out at:

http://vidblogs.com/cgi-bin/public.pl?blogger=OlSpazzy&blog=1

If you're the kind of person that enjoys giving feedback, I'd love to know what people think of it. You can also view my vidblogs.com profile (includes a recent picture of me from Jan 1st):

http://www.vidblogs.com/cgi-bin/public.pl?blogger=OlSpazzy

Also, for my next video blog(s) I have eight hours of footage captured, taking up a total of 102gigs. Yeah, an entire harddrive. So I'll probably take that footage (spanning between August 2004 and just after New Year's) and make two or three blogs out of it. Or I could just take the best footage from all of it and make one awesome blog that doesn't follow any specific timeline. Who knows. Either way, it's gunna be a bitch to edit, so I hope it's worth it.

As for A.R.P.G.U. 3000, our current project in pre-production (for those of you who haven't noticed the blurb on the front page), Peter, Josh, and Sean Rizzotti met today to work on the current draft which I will most likely review later. So far the script is around nine to twelve pages and will be our biggest project to date. I believe it's on the seventh draft so far. I'm looking forward to getting that production underway once the script is finished and we have all the props and everything we need to film it.

Apparently Santa Claus figured out how to use the internets and wasted no time getting on America's favorite instant messaging program, AOL IM™

OlSpazzy:	Why hello there, Santa
SantaClaus:	Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I'm here on AIM! Everything we talk about here is between you and me! If you want to know more, you can type "privacy". Now, streeeeetch that window and let's get started. So, have you been naughty or nice?
OlSpazzy:	Very naughty
SantaClaus:	Oh my! Well, there is always time left to get on my good list... and if you do, you will find a special free gift here for you on Dec. 22!
OlSpazzy:	Fuck you
SantaClaus:	Hmm, that's a lump of coal for you.
OlSpazzy:	I'll shove a lump of coal up your anus
SantaClaus:	I'm sorry? I'm new to this whole IM thing.
OlSpazzy:	I WANT TO SHOVE COAL IN YOUR ASSHOLE
SantaClaus:	I'm only asking you to ask me another way. No need to get so testy.
OlSpazzy:	Penis vagina for xmas plz
SantaClaus:	My goodness. I'm afraid I cannot respond to that kind of talk. A lump of coal for you.
OlSpazzy:	Thanks, I'll use it to start a fire with which to burn you alive
SantaClaus:	My pleasure, anytime.

Attention! If you don't want to read everything and just want to see previously unreleased content, scroll to the bottom of this post!

This post has been a long time coming. First, the two bits of news most people aren't aware of:

Mike and Peter have both left Naked Castle. Sean Joakimson has also been completely uninvolved for about the last ten months. So right now, Naked Castle consists of me, Zorn, and Llama (Rizzotti).

So, the three of us took one of the many scripts we have laying around and decided to finally get the ball rolling again on a new film. We used Zorn's friend as one of the actors in the film with Zorn taking the lead role. It took about three days total to film and we did a rough cut a couple days ago.

Now for the bad news: The film completely blows. There's very little that is redeemable about it and the script needs a total rewrite in order to save the concept. It was supposed to be a commercial advertising a new sitcom on Box (our made-up cable network). The script was based around three characters: Gary, a businessman from NY (played by Zorn), Zapp, an anal retentive alien who's living on Earth until he can get his degree in acting (played by Zorn's friend, Marlo), and Melanie, a stupid rock thing that can talk for some reason (played by a medium sized rock).

One of the biggest problems is that the script isn't really TV commercial format (at 2mins long) and it also isn't episode format (containing advertising reviews etc). Technically we had a lot of issues with sound on the best scene between Gary and Melanie (who are romantically involved) and a lot of our cinematography wasn't in sitcom fashion. Also, Marlo didn't live up to our expectations as Zapp.

So basically, the entire thing is a complete let-down for all of us and we're all very depressed and disappointed with having spent so much time making a film that will never see the light of day. Our friend, Katie, even drove us into S.F. to get city shots for the intro and transitions.

We've decided not to bother with a rewrite and reshoot because it's too depressing that we've already failed once, so we're going to move on to our next project and take what we've learned with us.

However, as not to completely let everyone down (as if we haven't already, it's been how many months since our last release?) here's a funny Trojan brand condoms radio commercial we made back in January and never released:

Condomplation final edit version (1:08 - 1mb mp3)
Condomplation unedited full version (14:30 - 13mb mp3)

The audio was originally going to be put to minimalist video footage of two pairs of feet moving around in a bed, but that didn't work out so well and we gave up on releasing this project. Zorn plays the voice of the guy, Peter's good friend, Josh Wolf plays Trojan Man, and Samantha Thomas plays the girl.

Also, back in October, Peter, Mike, and Rizzotti made a video for their college film class and had me edit it:

A Man Somehow Lost in the Shadows (2:31 - 26mb mpg)

The title was used to make fun of a guy in their class that spouts out stupid shit like that thinking he's so deep.

And finally, here's a video blog I made by myself back in July that I also never got around to releasing. I was going to ressurect my old site, uptohere.net, and start making bi-monthly video blogs, but then I got lazy. So here's the only video blog I'll probably ever make:

UPDATED 12/19: I realized the original version I released of the video blog was an older edit. I have now uploaded a newer and better version with a cool new ending sequence, a few altered scenes, and some text work and aspect ratio corrections. Yay! You'll also notice I gave it a title.

Five Eighty (July 19, 2004 - 4:30min - 45mb mpg)

Don't expect to see any Naked Castle members other than myself in the footage. Most of the people in the video are friends of my brother's.

Sorry for the downtime everyone! I owed my hosting company $389.88 for back-payments

Anyway, I've paid off all but $65 of the debt and my account with them is reactivated now so the website is running again.

In hopes of better preparing todays youth, I've decided to bring to them this exciting video to help them gain the nessicary skills for securing a job in todays tough economic downpull (what?)

http://www.5minutesonline.com/quicktime/grillskill.html

go out and succeed!